Is it meant to be acception or exception in line 9? Aside from that I think you used some nice tricks to make sentences that don't rhyme flow anyway

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Poke the monster ->

Hello there! I picked this up in your kitten shorts thumb share thread and thought I might drop a line of critique for you. I actually hosted a contest last year which had a theme of addiction, and the literature choices were very strong, so quite interested in this contest because of its same theme.

As a whole I like how you are trying to treat the addiction as if it was a person, a lover and I think that to understand addiction in this sense it can feel like the thing that controls some is another person. I think as the strongest element to this poem, this is something that could be a good way to refocus this piece, thus enhancing the strength of the content.

One major critique I do have for you is your choice of formatting and use of ellipses. Ellipses (the three dots), should really be used as sparingly as possible because although you want to signify a pause, the line break and use of other punctuation such as commas will achieve this in a much clearer fashion than the ellipse. I would consider reviewing this in that sense first, maybe checking out *Writers-Workshop’s current workshop on enjambment as this poem may benefit from the resources `PinkyMcCoversong provides. You could even enter this poem into the workshop to be reviewed.

As for the formatting, I personally find sometimes that the use of italics, bolds and underlines all for stressing words not only untidy in a poem, but often feels like they are put in there for the sake of it, like an afterthought once you finish the poem. I Think the italics are fine, but unless you have a strong intention for the reader to stress the words, be wary of when you are using these formats.

Your first stanza is definitely the strongest. I might reconsider using ‘fallen tears’ as it is a rather cliché choice of phrase. Try and think more poetically, maybe instead of saying ‘falling tears’ relate the feeling to another image you could describe that may provoke the similarity.

The other verses feel like you have your clear idea of what you wanted to write, but the thoughts do not seem to be linking together. The enjambment and sporadic format distract you from the words and again, maybe consider using imagery or another way of describing those feelings than the blatant. Also be wary of force rhyme (cloud nine/ decline) because again it is distracting from the words. Cloud nine is another small cliché you could avoid.

I think what you have here is a piece that has a lot of potential, but perhaps a good way to go before it strengthens. I wish you luck in the contest and hope that you revise this piece and create a stronger piece.

Thank you

Becca

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Thank you very much for all the thought out critique, it's really appriciated.

I KNEW I spelt that wrong, haha. Thank for pointing that out. ;]
And thank you very much.

Sure, you bet

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Poke the monster ->

Long story short...I second everything that Beccalicious said. She knows what she's talking about

Thank yew :]

wow.
i love it personally and dont think there should be a change.
then again, i dont know what im talkin about like the others.

but great job.

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do you want to have sexytime?

It does have a very nice flow, although there isn't a set rhyme scheme. It's a little refreshing, in my opinion. This is a great attempt since you've never experienced it. Good work.

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